I had a bit of a wobble today. My brain was firing all sorts at me, and my body was uncomfortable with unnecessary fear and frustration. Small things were quite frankly, really pissing me off. My brain was playing games imagining all kinds of less than desired scenarios and old stories were rearing their head to try and make me slip back into old habits. It takes me by surprise when it happens because I feel so buoyant a lot of the time now, and have got very good at listening to, regulating and understanding my thoughts, feelings and emotions. I think my soul does it to remind me that the journey is never over – we are always on it, so stay humble Ciara. I am grateful for that cosmic tap on the shoulder that keeps me on my toes.
I didn’t take any medication for anxiety and depression, although at times I certainly wanted to. I didn’t not take anything because I’m against it, or I think it’s a weakness. I think taking medication, if right for you, takes a lot of strength. There was just something in my heart telling me that it wasn’t my path and that it wasn’t right for me. My practice is my prescription. I meditate every morning like clockwork, like you would take a pill. It’s very rarely skipped. It gives me that base line, keeping my awareness ticking over so I know that whatever is going on up in my mind, I have the perspective to know it’s never really true. Some days I do as normal, some days, like today, require me to up the dosage. When things get a little bit scary up there, I use it as a chance to see where I have maybe been neglecting myself. What can I do to show myself I’m still here for me? I turn to my medicine cabinet. The meditation (my medication) never changes. But sometimes I may need a couple of other tonics. I may need to dance. Sometimes I will roll out my mat. Sometimes I lie face down in the Earth and inhale so deeply, like you would an inhaler. Sometimes I write what I’m grateful for or what I love about the world, my boyfriend, me. Sometimes I’ll bathe, eat, sleep. I am so grateful for this medicine cabinet I have created for myself. It serves me so well, and I never need to go and pick it up from a pharmacy. It’s always with me.
So today was a little wobbly. You’re not alone, those days will come and go no matter how practiced you think you are. But it’s always easier knowing that my practice is my prescription, and I can take it any time. You are greater than the wobbly days. You have the strength to get through it. If what’s within me is within you (and I so deeply believe that to be true) then you can get through it too.