I had been on my own for almost two years. It’s strange, when I first had my spiritual awakening I couldn’t handle being on my own. The thought of leaving my boyfriend at the time made me feel physically sick. Not in any kind of healthy way. Out of sheer fear of being abandoned at a time in my life when I was most vulnerable. Fear of abandonment was a big thing in my healing journey, as throughout my relationships and interactions with men up until that point I had felt wonderful and then with no explanation, ghosted and/or dumped. Nearly every man I had been with fell into that pattern. Or slept with and dumped, either or. My intuition knew that to be on my own was what I needed. My intuition knew that the whole point of my journey was to learn how to feel love for myself and the world through every circumstance, no matter what was thrown at me. After breaking up with him in May 2020, I then went into a state where being with someone made me feel physically sick. The total polar opposite. The thought of any man coming near me, touching me, let alone LOVING me was just awful. It threw up a literal repulsion in my body, a full on rejection of the masculine form. The masculine shield was up, the part of me that wanted to prevent me from feeling hurt, angry, alone and unloved ever again. My body couldn’t cope with, but was strangely addicted to this extreme high of being with someone and then the crashing low of it all falling around me. Oh boy, did I have to buckle my seatbelt and unpack some shit – mentally, emotionally and sexually. It was time to rewrite my story. Not only the story of my life, but most importantly, the one I told myself in my head.
So needless to say in November last year when I finally declared I was ready to date again and commit to a partner, I felt a little bit scared. I was aware that there is only so much healing and growing you can do on your own. I knew that as I stepped back out in to the dating world I would probably be triggered. But I knew this would also be necessary to allow both myself and my future partner to expand and evolve. There would probably be more stored memories and conditioned reactions in my body that I’d have to work through. I think what scared me the most is the fact that because I was now so aware of myself and others, I knew dating wouldn’t be one bit like it was before. I may as well have been going into this never having dated anyone in my life, because I am a totally different (and more true) person now than I ever have been. I knew that there may be some that wouldn’t be able to handle it, which is fine. We are all in different stages of our evolution. It is literally a case of learning as I go, and sometimes I honestly wish there was a guidebook. But then, I remind myself what is love if you’re in complete control? I’d have to work through conditioned responses and old habits whilst also getting to know a new person and all that they carry. There’d have to be so much more communication, checking in with myself and them and holding a compassionate space. Our relationship would have to be a container committed to our own personal growth and that of our relationship, whilst supporting the other on their journey. We would be there to experience each other, not to own each other (thank you Toni Jones for those glorious lyrics). And I knew that it would take time to allow myself to let in romantic love from another again. But I felt (and still feel) ready. I knew that I would rather live with my heart wide open and risk being hurt than to never experience the beauty of truly surrendering to the divine in another ever again. I kept focussing on myself and my spiritual evolution, whilst having a deep faith in the universe that they would help me find the right person when the time came. Which is why I’m not using dating sites. I’m not totally against them, I just know it isn’t for me. I pick up on energy and that’s how I know if I want a person to be in my life or not. I am very intentional in that way. I know that the person will come into my life in such a way that I will know that it is them.
I feel really deeply that someone is near. I can’t explain it. I just have felt that way since the beginning of the year. There is a huge act of surrendering through this process. Allowing myself to be triggered by the past, but not running from it. And understanding that every interaction will help me learn, whether perceived positive or negative at the time. I have already learnt so much about what beliefs I was holding on to from just one interaction. I am so grateful for that, and him, and his presence in my life. And most of all, I am learning more and more that this is going to be FUN. Getting to know people and their experiences is fun. Going to different places and sharing stories is fun. I am allowing myself to take all that comes to me with a big dose of joy too. Because I know I want to meet my partner from that place of joy, from that place of knowing that my life is fab and they will just be a great addition.
I wanted to write this blog post to let you know that if you’ve been on your own for some time too, that you will find someone. We are on this journey together. Don’t forget about yourself whilst looking for them. Keep nurturing your most important relationship – the one with you. But the universe always finds a way to not let something pass you by if it’s meant for you. It will be scary, but you are worthy of the romantic love that you have been dreaming of.
Thank you for reading this and giving me the space to share my heart.
With Love, Light & Best Wishes,