I wrote myself a valentines card..

.. and bought myself some chocolate truffles.

If you’re single, you are taught to dread Valentines day. As if somehow the fact that you are not with someone on this day makes you unworthy and you should crawl under your duvet and eat a massive tub of ice cream on your own. I have also heard couples say that it’s ‘just any other day’. Valentines day shouldn’t just be about couples. It’s about love, and isn’t love for everyone? Plutonic love, romantic love, family love, and my absolute favourite, the topic of this blog post – self love.

I agree that you shouldn’t just show someone, let alone yourself, that you love them on just one day of the year. But when it comes to self love, so many of us don’t bother to make time to cultivate our relationships with ourselves. So surely it’s not a bad thing to block one day in the diary so you can date yourself? You are the only person that you should really be saying till death do us part to (and by part, I mean when the soul leaves the body. In my opinion, the soul/spirit continue to live on). You’re stuck with you, so you may as well love yourself.

Self love is thrown about quite a lot in the same way that self care is. Self care certainly contributes to self love. You have to have some level of self love to be able to care for yourself. But self love is a life long commitment of fully accepting yourself, light and shadow. The bits that you love and the bits that aren’t as easy to love. I know I used to SAY that I loved myself. ‘Sure I love myself, I had a bubble bath the other night, that shows that I love myself). I hadn’t ever dealt with, probably had never even realised what was hiding underneath.

At the end of October 2019 I begun going through a spiritual awakening. A quarter life crisis if you will. Something I never would have expected just having turned 21, and what an incredible 21st gift it turned out to be. A spiritual awakening is not what you would expect it to be. Or at least it wasn’t for me. There was no becoming immediately enlightened, with angels singing my welcome. It began with the biggest panic attack of my life. I didn’t even realise that I had suffered with anxiety, but it turns out I had been living in a fight or flight state continuously for years without even knowing it. My body and mind felt like I was internally imploding. Everyday was terrifying, because I had no clue what was going on inside me. This intense feeling lasted every day from the moment I woke up to the moment I went to sleep for three months. Then at the end of January 2020 I went into a state of depression. My body was telling me that I had spent too long people pleasing and looking for external validation from others in my life (specifically romantic partners), rather than looking within. I had detrimental beliefs stemming from my childhood that were still affecting me now (because I had let them). Enough was enough. Someone incredibly close to me at the time who I hold very dearly, in the thick of what I was going through, said to me ‘I want you to always feel like you can be yourself around me’. Well that stumped me. Who the hell was I? I definitely didn’t love my true self, because I had spent so long hiding her, supressing her and apologising for her in various situations. How on Earth would I appreciated anyone else loving me if I couldn’t appreciate and love myself? I would never be able to be in a relationship that wasn’t co-dependent if that was the case. From that moment I made it my mission to get to know the love of my life. Myself. Every inch of me.

When we were out of lockdown, I took myself on dates on my own. I started being exactly who I was, no matter how terrified I was of being judged. I threw myself into my spiritual practice like I never had before, knowing that I wanted to look at myself and everyone else and see the universe within us all. I stood in front of the mirror. Clothed. Unclothed. Speaking words of love into my eyes. Understanding what it is like to be in my body. I danced in whatever way my body felt. I wanted to eat like I loved myself, feeding my body good, whole, chemical free and nourishing food. I got quiet with myself, learnt what my body was saying to me. I read, I learnt from the world around me and all of it’s beautiful resources. I begun tapping deeply into my divine feminine, which SO many women are taught to detach from in a society filled with patriarchy. I spent time with those who meant the most to me, and created more conscious and meaningful relationships. And I sprinkled the face masks and bubble baths in between. And it has been THE BEST FUN I HAVE EVER HAD. To start with it isn’t easy. But I now love myself a whole lot more. I’m not the whole way there yet. But what even is ‘there?’ I practice all of the above everyday. Because we are always learning, always growing. But that’s what makes life so exciting. I can’t wait to see what it throws at me, and I will be loving myself everyday.

So I wrote myself a Valentines card, saying all of the things I love about myself, all the things that I needed to hear, for me to open on Valentines morning. And I bought chocolates. And I will buy roses. And my sister Cerys and I have the BEST day planned. And I will celebrate on the 14th, with so much joy and love in my heart. For myself, for my sisters, for my family. Because by being the kind of romantic partner for myself that I know I will wish for when the time is right, I know I will hold boundaries lovingly with no fear of being rejected. Because I can provide it all for myself anyway. The relationship is just an added bonus.

My wish in life is for every human being to understand and embody the following:

You NEVER have to wait for love of any kind if you give it to yourself first. You can provide EVERYTHING for yourself that you would want others to provide for you. We create our own feelings, no one ‘makes’ you feel a certain way. You can be your own romantic partner, your own best friend, your own parent. I’m not saying push away meaningful relationships. What I am saying is that if you can feel love for yourself and your life in all forms now, you stop playing a waiting game. You start living fully in the present knowing that you are worthy of it all. And when you do come together to spend valentines day with someone special, your relationship will feel safe, secure and interdependent with more unconditional love, because you know that you can provide heaven and earth for yourself. Your union with another will be so beautiful when you are both aligned with your self love in your own lives.

So go on, go out and write a Valentines card (if you don’t do it for yourself, do it for the hysterical reaction of the checkout assistant when thy ask who it’s for..) You may feel ridiculous about it to start with, I did too. I actually almost didn’t do it. I thought about what others would think. But then I realised that it was that same pattern repeating itself again. And that I was worth more than other peoples opinions. And you are too.

Another thing the previously mentioned person said to me was ‘You are infinite’. I believe him now.

You are too. We all are. We are all made of star stuff.

Let me know in the comments how you will be spending this Valentines Day. Whether you are with your wonderful partner, family, your girls, or whether you will be just showering yourself with divine love. I would love to hear your thoughts.

All my love always.

With Love, Light & Best Wishes,

Ciara X

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